How will the nicest man in rock cope with the daftest questions in journalism?
Hello Dave, what's in store for you this Christmas?
"I'll be in LA... and Virginia. I'm not sure how to pull that off."
You could get an imposter like Saddam Hussein.
"I guess I could. That might be weird, though."
Have you ever vomited on Christmas day?
"Actually, I'm never sick. I'm physically incapable of doing it. I did it once when I was 28 but I cannot, cannot do it. There are many occasions when I wish I could. It would've helped me out on Thursday. It seemed like a fucking Sunday, because that Wednesday was like a fucking Friday!"
Is Monday your favourite day of the week?
"No, it's Thursday. Thursday's when you begin building up your tolerance for the weekend."
Does that make Wednesday the new Thursday?
"No, but Monday is the new Wednesday. You know, the days of the week blur for me."
You should get a proper job?
"I know. It's great that every day is like a Friday for me, rather than like a Tuesday. But then if you've had a big night that's seemed like a Friday or a Saturday, it could be Wednesday but it seems like a Sunday."
When did you last make someone a present?
"Well, I love to make cards. I don't like buying cards from shops. A couple of Christmases ago I recorded a song for someone. One copy on a CD, and that was it."
Was this for your special lady?
"Yep. Except she played it for her family and I was horribly embarrassed. It was really, ridiculously sappy."
You learned to play drums with your pillows. Did you practice kissing on your pillows too?
"No! No I never did. I went straight to the ladies for that. My first kiss was at kindergarten -I snuck a girl under the table. Her name was Fifi. And I fucking kissed her."
If the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy team made you over, what would you do?
"Oh, jeez. Well I don't have much hair on my body so I wouldn't get waxed. And I don't know if they'd be into the kind of music I dig. They might have to show me how to disco dance. They might also be discouraged by my Ikea sense of interior decoration."
Ikea's huge with the gays!
"Well, they'd be stoked then. My studio looks like an Ikea showroom! Ikea is great. Cheap, easy to put together... it comes with all the pegs and the screws - you don't need languages with the instructions."
Missy Elliott recently found a bear in her mum's back garden. What would you do if something similar happened to you?
"I'd fucking call animal control, that's what I'd do! I wouldn't go running up to a bear in my back garden - hell, no!"
Your Probot seven-inch was limited to 6,666 copies. Is that the number of a really big beast?
"Yeah, an über-beast. It's not 666, it's 6,666: way more beast."
How is that beast more beastly?
"Well, it's 6,000 more beasts!"
Are you friends with this beast?
"Never met him."
What would you say if they did?
"I don't know. I'm usually quite polite with strangers, so I suppose I'd be pretty cordial."
How do you keep looking so young?
"You know, I'm not sure. I've got some grey hairs in my beard now, but I think being emotionally retarded helps to keep your body looking like that of a 17-Year-old."
Grey hairs in a beard is quite distinguished. Do you have grey pubic hairs too?
"Yeah, but I pluck those anyway so that's OK. "
You're not totally smooth down there though are you?
"No, I'm not. But I have been before and it's not a pleasant experience. It's fine for a day then it turns into a circus... the burning bush. , don't know why I did it. I suppose' was bored. And it was done to further enhance the... glory... of intercourse. What am I talking about?"
º Dave used to collect clocks
º They were all kept in the same room, set to the correct time
º Although, as he admits, "You don't want to be setting clocks your whole life"